Spider have legs, eat Walleye for Festivus

Dec. 29, 2022

Whether it was the surprise guest appearance of a certain red-headed father bearing tribute for a certain beer drinking captain (MIA), or just the excitement of getting out of the house on a balmy winter’s evening, the Spiders had enough jump to get over the Fighting Walleyes late Wednesday evening.

The late start time allowed everyone to be well rested from evening naps, and it showed with a one shot flurry right from puck drop. The Spiders had the Walleye on their, uh, heels, early in the game and netted the first goal with an aggressive O-zone rush and backhand shot off the rebound by D-man An-dres. M-Johnson set the bait.

They’re not called the Fightin’ Walleyes for nothin’, however, and they tied it up on a seeing-eye single up the middle four minutes later in the inning. Back at the rink, the tone was set and the back and forth continued, with the Spiders deploying their time tested strategy of bouncing the puck off the defensive blue line to make sure Tucker was well warmed up. He was up to the task and the first period closed with nothing but oohs and aahs as the Spiders clanged a couple of snipes off the pipes.

Tie game. No penalties.

The second period began with more back and forth and then a BANG! three and half minutes later as Sommerness fired a slapper into the heart of the Walleye net off a beautiful hook line and sinker pass from Grotbeck at the face off. The Spider bench was exuberant with a perfect view of the rope, but became concerned later in the period when Tucker took a knucklepuck off the noggin and needed attention from the World Cup sanctioned medical crew. Alas, they fixed him up, sticks were tapped, and the Fightin’ Walleyes kept fightin’ with a snipe of their own short side high to tie it up to close out the second half.

Tie game. No penalties.

The Spiders mumbled and grumbled as the zamboni made its rounds — in Seattle, where the Flames and Kraken were tied as well. History has not been kind to teams that let a late period goal slo’ the mo’. Which Spider team would show up for the start of the third half? The one that retreats and lets a fish into their head? Yeah, that one showed up.

The fish came out swingin’ in the third and pachinkoed a goal with a, frankly, beautiful tip-in under the outstretched glove of the Spider netminder, who later testified to 23 deflections before the fatal blow.

Fish 3, Not Insects 2. Still no penalties!

Uh-oh. Nothing like giving wings to a fish.

But then, out of the woodwork and only 13 seconds later, the grandpa Spider Krough stood up — well, skated — and said, “Not on my watch, Sonny!” and fired a perfectly targeted desperation shot towards the net from behind some brooms in the corner of the rink. Sommerness, not content with playing wing out at the god-forsaken dots, was back at center, setting up house where he’s most comfortable in front of the opponent’s goal, calmly deflected the puck slow-motion…across…the…Walleye…goal…line. The crowd went wild. On the Spider bench.

Tie game. Again. 3-3 for those keeping score at home. Penalties? Zilch.

The Walleye, who had been doing their best imitation of pufferfish, slightly deflated. The great hunter of jersey targets pounced again on the same shift. Krough (apparently) stole the puck from a defender, saved two drowning children, and fired the puck in a space an inch wide and three inches tall, short side. Bullseyes be damned!

Spiders 4, Walleye 3. Still. No. Penalties.

The smell inside the arena was electric. The Walleye were fightin’ mad now. They decided to release their inner Kraken, number 77, who was clearly on sabbatical from a higher level, slumming at defense. Wave after wave of not only him, but many more, much younger, Walleye legs, came up the ice. The Spiders, inspired by the unlikely turn of events and stellar goaltending, fought the line against the raging Sander Vitreus. The battle was pitched — literally, as M-Johnson took a pitchfork to the chin — but no matter how many icings, how many non-calls, and how many schools of fish coming across offside kept, uh, coming, the Spiders guided the victory into the net and onto the boat.

Final score: see above. Were there refs even at the game?

NOTE: Due to the interim captain forgetting a bag of pucks, for warm ups we borrowed the Jeremy Litton Trophy™ pucks from the huge plaque Vandenberghe made. Don’t worry, we glued them back. He’ll never know.