Eagles fall victim in fabled ‘Saint Valentines Day Massacre’

Feb. 14, 2010

Cupid’s arrows were firing blanks Sunday night in St. Paul as there was no love lost in this penalty-laden battle of divisional rivals. In fact, the Cosa Nostra of the AHA was put on notice as the Spiders declare: No more prisoners!

With rival puck families in hot pursuit the Spiders took to the offensive in the historic “Frog Town” hideaway – Biff Adams. When the G-men of the AHA caught wind of potential mercy killings in the Frog Town area, they forged a stake-out in St. Paul and sent in a couple of their finest agents to pose as ice hockey officials. Elliot Ness reporting.

The Spiders, donning their blood red jerseys were foreshadowing the bludgeoning that was about to take place. On this night, the Spiders traded in their “Tommy guns” for hockey sticks. They once again proved to have itchy trigger fingers as they fired 37 bullets on the defenseless Eagle net-minder. Doug “Machine Gun” Thorson drew first blood as he uncorked a cannon from just inside the blue-line off a feed from Spider Capo, Dave Schliesman. This raised the adrenaline for both families as the play grew extremely fast and physical. At the end of the first round: Spiders 1, Eagles 0.

Spider gun-slinger Bruce Gustafson, opened season on the Eagles to start the second with helpers from Brian “Fresh Legs” Armogast and Mark “Boom-Boom” Bortnem. The Spiders look to be making a clean get-a-way when the ice cop hauled in Spider #66, Jimmy One-Time, to serve a 2 minute sentence on an unidentified infraction (tax evasion, illegal gambling and racketeering were the likely charges). With the ice cops working overtime, a couple Eagle soldiers were also hauled in to the holding cell, both families went into hiding and the second stanza ended Spiders 2, Eagles 0.

Fresh Legs Armo opened the scoring in the final chapter blasting one past Harmon. Johnny Lawman was still out for the Dapper Don, Spider #66 as he conjured up another bogus charge thus placing him in the holding cell. Just 2 minutes later…Jail-break! Maietta dashed out of the penalty box to pick up a loose puck in the corner. He sent it back to Tim “The Reaper” Stalpes who set up a pretty Thorson/Schliesman combo. It was the Spider Capo who sent the puck to its final resting place in the back of the net.

The Spider under-boss, Brian “Brick Wall” Dow, proved to the Eagle army truth to the saying “The best offense is a good defense”. In fact on this night, it was a perfect defense as Dow and his crew stopped all 28 bullets the Eagle soldiers could fire. Johnny lawman made one more play for the “Teflon Don” #66 and the other half of the Stalpes wrecking crew, Chris “The Blade” but in the end, the Spiders showed that they are above the law once again.

As the final horn sounded, 14 Eagle bodies were scattered across the ice following what will forever be remembered as “The Saint Valentines Massacre” and the Spiders proved again, at least to this reporter that they are indeed: The Untouchables! Elliot Ness signing off.